hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
