You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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