last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
