Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
