im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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