Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
