There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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