hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
