just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
