I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
