I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
