There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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