guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
