P.S. I can't hear my feet
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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