I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
