Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
