never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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