dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
