I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
