paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
