every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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