Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
