I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
