I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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