I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
