'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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