just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
