nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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