When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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