Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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