i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
