i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
