I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
