I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
