this beer tastes like vomit already
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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