Will you blow on my dice?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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