sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
