Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
