Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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