I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
