is your mom at the bar?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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