if you like me you must not know who I am
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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