I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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