I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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