I'm so fucking centered right now
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
