I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
