I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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