I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
