Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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