you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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